5 things I learned from living in 5 countries
Our ancestors used to move 'abroad' all the time. We moved in search of food, shelter and tolerable weather. We were quick to expand worldwide and historians believe that our curiosity and resourcefulness were the main drivers and success factors in doing so.
It wasn't until the farming revolution that we settled in single locations for longer and established permanent villages. This turning point paved the way for the first towns, cities, and eventually what we now know as countries.
Today, the realities of moving abroad are obviously very different. But, under the assumption that no conflict is forcing us to leave our home country, perhaps it is still the same curiosity and resourcefulness that drove our ancestors and contributed to their success that also inspires us to move abroad.
Whether this is true or not, there is no doubt that moving abroad is hard. You are starting from scratch, in a way. You need a new home, new job, new social circle, new everything. On top of that, you need to understand the local regulations, manage times of feeling lonely, adjust to a new culture, and deal with a language barrier. That's a lot.
So, below are 5 things I learned when living in 5 countries that will hopefully make the transition easier if you are planning a move abroad.
Let's go.
1) Looking after yourself is more important than ever
The first few times I moved abroad, I strongly underappreciated the magnitude of change and the fact that I needed time to adjust and process what was happening. Later, I realised that looking after yourself in those moments is more important than ever.
Over time, I have built a 'mental health stack' that helps me in times of change and allows me to regulate how I feel and process the world around me. This deserves another post, but briefly, my mental health stack consists of exercising, body scanning, processing my thoughts and emotions and keeping my external world well organised - nothing revolutionary, but the combination works great for me.
If you are planning to move abroad, I suggest experimenting with different methods beforehand to have an idea of what gives you comfort in difficult times.
One note, though - this is what worked for me - I cannot know what you are going through and if this advice applies to you. Use your own judgement or speak to your doctor if you need to.
2) Feeling at home is not so much a function of time as it is a function of effort
How do you start feeling at home?
To me, there are four elements to it:
- knowing the place
- knowing people
- feeling at home in your home
- feeling good with yourself, which we will get to in point 3
Let's take knowing people as an example and why it is more of a function of effort rather than time - and for that, let me tell you a short story.
When I moved to Amsterdam and Australia, I took on a very passive role in getting to know people. I focused on staying in touch with friends from back home and it took me way too long to feel at home. No surprise - my thoughts and actions were elsewhere.
When I moved to London, though, I took on a different approach that I later realised was similar to Alex Hormozi's input-output concept.
It goes as follows: when you think about getting something you want, which inputs, if done repeatedly, will get you to the output you're after? Applied to making friends in a new place: what do you need to do repeatedly to befriend people? You first need to meet them. And you need to meet many, many of them for it to click with a handful. So that's what I did. I went mayhem on joining societies, clubs and posting on Facebook groups. And it worked - I met a handful of people I am in touch with to this day.
The point is that 'feeling at home' is much more in our control than we think. Sure, time plays a role, too but you can speed things up massively when you make active effort.
3) Your head travels with you wherever you go
Duh - you might say. But hear me out.
When I was younger and planning a move abroad, I imagined my life there - wherever it was - as the perfect kind of life. All my thoughts and emotions I didn't know how to deal with at the time - everything was just pitch perfect. It was like something magical had happened by flying 10K km away, which somehow landed me in a completely new life.
Of course, that was not the case.
And as obvious as it is, I realised that my head will travel with me wherever I go - whether it's a move abroad, a holiday or even the upcoming weekend. Your imagination may try to deceive you into thinking that there and then, you will be able to wind down and have a good time.
But let me tell you - it's not going to happen.
It's not going to happen unless you look at the things that bother you and address them in your regular and - what you might consider - mundane daily life.
The truth is that how much you get to enjoy your weekends, your holidays and once-in-a-while big decisions to move abroad is shaped by decisions you make today.
So, if there is anything that bothers you and continues to be unaddressed, count on it tagging along with you for the trip you were most looking forward to. That's why I suggest taking a close look at those things regularly so that they are not only taken care of if/when you decide to leave but that they don't make you desperately look forward to leaving for an imaginary lalaland in the first place.
4) The way we do things back home isn’t the way (and their way isn't the way either)
We all know that - we know that people in different corners of the world have different customs. Nothing new. But finding yourself surrounded by people who all think and act differently (in certain aspects, of course) may leave you feeling like an outcast.
Take, for example, communication style - in the UK, people tend to dance around the point they are trying to make, while in Poland - where I am from - we are very direct. Because of that, I was never able to master the art of saying what you mean without saying what you mean as skillfully as some Brits do, probably coming across as a tact-less barbarian on more than one occasion 🙃
Or being rule-abiding: back home, rules are much more bendable than elsewhere - not to sound like an outlaw, but I am sure my boyfriend, who comes from Switzerland, must have had that impression of me multiple times - for example, when I fail to give up doing laundry on a Sunday, which - believe it or not - is illegal here.
Another example: back home, people tend to follow the conventional path: you go to uni, get a job, and if you don't have kids by a certain age, your grandma starts asking why. Contrast this with the Netherlands, where young adults (at least in my circles) take plenty of time to explore their options and don't rush into stable careers as soon as they leave the classroom.
What does that mean for you?
Two things:
- When these differences come up, it doesn't mean something is wrong with you - you are just part of a different environment that does things very differently than where you're from.
- Knowing that the things you have always done a certain way can, in fact, be done differently, leaves you with a choice - do I prefer to stick to my old ways, or do I want to adopt their ways? This is my favourite thing about moving around - you can become a mosaic of what you consider the best traits of the cultures you lived in. How cool is that?
5) Different different but same
Finally, despite all these differences, at its core, we are so similar. We need to feel seen, we need connection, and we need love and approval. We feel anxious outside our comfort zone, fear failure, and look for status - defined differently in different circles - but we still want to be perceived well in communities we belong to and care about.
I find it comforting. I find it comforting when abroad because I know that despite the many differences, we can still connect over things we have in common.
That's all I had to share this week 🙂